Good morning

It's morning prior to Christmas. I've had lots and lots of thoughts lately regarding the auto-flusher in the men's room. When we first moved the office to the new building, the toilets and urinals still had the old fashioned handles. Sometime in November auto-flushers were installed. The urinals are solid and predictable, but the toilets have had a hard time working properly.

The toilets are out of control. I can't bring myself to actually tell anyone of my issues with the toilet for fear of being laughed out of the room. I think my issues are reasonable and I can't possibly be the only one who has them. The auto-flusher actually has personality.

I'm extremely regular, not sure why, always have been. I usually need to hit the bathroom right at about 9am. I think it's an old hang up from when I couldn't stand having a job and I needed something to look forward to besides wanting to kill everyone around me. I've picked a stall that's comfortable and made it "mine". No personalizing or anything but I do feel that the stall fits me right. It's like having a relationship with a cheater; you know she's seeing other guys but as long as your needs are met denial will take care of the rest.

My problem with the auto-flusher is that it's aggressive and highly unpredictable. I've been treated to splash back more times that I can count. Sometimes the flusher goes off before I even get down to business. Sometimes it flushes so much I think it's angry and trying to swallow me. Other times it won't go at all and I have to press the button to make it flush. It disrupts my morning routine by throwing a giant randomizer into the mix just when I need predictability most. I hate it. Yet I also love it.

I've found that it's unpredictable nature has made me respect it. In a way it's become like a friend that I check in with every morning. "How are you today?" I can tell how it's doing by it's flushing - whether angry, courteous, convenient, inappropriate - you name it. I've pondered the idea that it was actually being controlled by a very pathetic soul who got a kick out of watching men use the toilet (I know there are some people out there like that, who, prior to committing suicide, get their kicks out of watching men defecate). But that seems obvious and paranoid and I can't convince myself of it.

I've also thought that maybe the maintenance man is a prankster who likes to frequently change the level of sensitivity in the flusher so someone like me will never get too comfortable. But since that also doesn't fit with my idea that all maintenance men are regular guys, "real dudes" who would never carry around impossible quirks born from a lifetime of never being able to shut off the tiny self-absorbed narrative in their heads.

So...I have nothing. But still the auto-flusher will be there tomorrow and I will greet him, whether he rages like the North Sea in December, or is calm and welcoming like a mother's arms.